The Psychology of a Good Conversation

There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are, in fact, paying attention. Here is how to have a conversation without wasting time, getting bored, and offending somebody.

We've all had really great conversations. We've had them before. We know what it's like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you've made a real connection, or you've been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your conversations can't be like that.

1.    Don't multitask. And I don't mean just set down your cell phone, tablet, car keys, or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about the argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of it, but don't be half in it and half out of it.

2.    Use open-ended questions. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. You will get a simple answer if you put in a complicated question. If I ask you, "Were you terrified?" you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is "terrified," and the answer is "Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." "Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry." Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, "What was that like?" "How did that feel?" Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.

3.    Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind, and you need to let them go out of your mind. 

4.    Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about losing a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And more importantly, it is not about you. You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you've suffered. 

5.    Try not to repeat yourself. It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.

6.    Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like and what you have in common. So, forget the details. Leave them out.

7.    Listen. It is the number one most important skill. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If your mouth is open, you're not learning." And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man ever listened to his way out of a job." Why do we not listen to each other? Number one, we'd rather talk. When I'm talking, I'm in control. I don't have to hear anything I'm not interested in. I'm the centre of attention. I can bolster my own identity. But there's another reason: We get distracted. The average person talks at about 225 words per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute. So, our minds are filling in those other 275 words. And look, I know, it takes effort and energy actually to pay attention to someone, but if you can't do that, you're not in a conversation.